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Saturday, October 12, 2013

Hearts.

I see this statement posted all the time in relation to love, and to loss. 

It's lovely. 

I think it's beautiful. 


I wish I could relate. 

I wish I felt the same. 

I want to say the same thing. 

I want to say that even though she is gone, I carry her instead, not in my arms, but always in my heart and mind. 


But I can't. 

Because the last time I carried her heart, I don't feel like I took very good care of it. 


You can see why I feel too guilty to do it again. Why I feel too scared to proclaim that I have the right to carry her heart again. 


Maybe one day.

I wish I had the ability now to not cringe. 

All I think instead is "well last time they let me have her heart, I just went and messed that up". 

Maybe she took mine instead.


2 comments:

  1. Lauren, We were in the Bradley class together and I've been following your story since Kelsey sent out your information in March. I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you and Clint and Ree for a long time. I am so sorry and you are all in our prayers. - Kristen

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  2. This made me cry. I can't imagine your pain. I look forward to the day that you write the post saying you can say this now

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