Whatever you think about grieving a child is probably wrong. At least in how you think you would anticipate the hard days, the easier days, the ones that will bring you to your knees. Today is Oct 11. I am 31 years old tomorrow. My “freak out” year was 27. I was supposed to have kids, living ones, by the age of 27. Now I’m 31. Whatever you think about losing a child and what it feels like is probably wrong. It was for me. Of course my only child has died, so I really can’t compare it to the love of a parent who fears finding their 2 year old not breathing. I can’t relate. But I know I didn't expect today to be SO HARD.
People think time is the magic answer. I am 7 months and 1 week out from her death. Roughly 7 months on the from her funeral. And today I can barely get out of bed. Today is the first day it’s been like this in the entire time since she's been gone. I've never had a day where I couldn't get up. I thought time made this all better? If you imagined a world where you would feel horrible at first and then things would begin to improve, then think again.
Maybe it’s a combination of the birth control pills I’m on to prepare for fertility treatments, and the lack of sleep that plagues me. Maybe it’s the fact that we just attended the Walk to Remember. Maybe it’s watching the Glee episode last night where they said goodbye to Finn. All I know is that I can’t email people back today. I have no idea what is happening tomorrow on my birthday. No clue. I can’t text back, call back, email back. I lie in bed, but can’t sleep. My head just spins and spins, usually about nothing.
Today is excruciating. EXCRUCIATING. I’ll see other people talk about experiencing their low points. Or how things get “bad” again. I don’t always know what it means. Until I do again. Then I remember how deep it is. I really don’t have much fight today. These are the days you think you can imagine. The ones that are that deep, that painful, that horrific. But they are also a bit blurred around the edges, like my brain is kind enough to sense when I’ve had enough for a moment and politely gives me an emotional break. I don’t know what time it is. I do know that I’ve been trying to sleep since 11 am and it’s almost 4:15. I have clients tonight and more than anything, I want to avoid the entire world as much as possible. I’m pretty sure it’s been hours since I’ve eaten and I’m not hungry.
I want you to know that I’ve heard next to nothing about God, by God, from God in all of this mess that makes any sense or helps me at all. Not an ounce. I don’t care one ounce that this was his plan. Well thanks it sure sucks.
WHY WHY WHY would you do this to me. WHY in the world would you do this to me? WHY IN HEAVEN would you do this to me. Why would you force me to carry a child you were going to immediately take back? WHY would you put me through that? WHAT was the point of all of that? WHY keep giving me children if you want to keep ripping them from my arms? WHAT kind of God does that, repeatedly? What would you possibly have in a plan where that makes any single bit of sense? Either let me be a mother or don’t, but stop being a completely rude jerk about it all. It’s not even a bit funny at all. Maybe for my birthday you can be kind enough to answer at least one of these questions for me. I think you owe it to me.
Today just doesn’t have a ton of meaning. I want to celebrate other people’s birthdays but mine feels pretty flat. Usually I celebrate a week in advance but this year it snuck up on me as a day that is uncomfortable and painful and not all that magical. Compared to her birthday, mine just doesn’t have much to it.
You never know which anniversaries are going to suck and which will be meaningful. I wasn’t prepared for my birthday to be a monumental suck fest. I’d say it’s almost worse than Mother’s Day, at least this year.
I love celebrating events and holidays. Well I used to hate Christmas but that has shifted. I loved the magic of it all. Our first year together, Clint didn’t even acknowledge Valentine’s Day and I was horrified! Everyone likes to be celebrated, even those that deny it. Usually especially those that deny it. I was the same as everyone else. We all want to feel important to someone else out there.
I guess that’s why now I specifically don't like the holidays that center around me. I still carry guilt and probably will for the rest of my life. I don’t feel like the marking of another year passing in my life is all that significant, especially given “what I’ve done”. I know. I didn’t do it to her. You can repeat that in your head as often as you’d like, but you know good and well that if something happened to your children, you’d carry guilt for the rest of your life as well. I just happened to be unlucky enough to have my child die while I was literally carrying her. That kinda sucks. Makes it pretty hard to differentiate responsibility when it was your body, fully and completely that was responsible.
You see, I’m just not that important in the whole scheme of things. I don’t feel the need to be celebrated any more. I’d trade all the candles on my cake to let her have just 1. Just one year. I’ll trade one of mine.
So. Happy Birthday to me. I guess. It’s just hard to celebrate living when she died yet I lived. Today is just another reminder of the hole in my life that cannot be filled. And one that makes me feel guilty about that hole on top of it.