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Saturday, April 20, 2013

Voyeurs

I thought since I talked about this in my last post that it would be helpful if I clarified exactly what a voyeur looks like. We have had a couple of people who have found out our story that stand out to us as either predatory or clearly having bad intentions. They find out through a friend of a friend or they are friend of a family member and so on.

Some have emailed us, some have found our blog and email through there, some have left comments that we've deleted.

But you know someone is a voyeur when they say things like this in a Q&A interview style fashion, for an interview you never signed up for in the first place. These are snippets of questions that obviously have more content in the actual full message.

"What does it feel like to lose a child"

It hurts. It's sad. You don't really deserve to know much more because you're not really truly asking me how I feel, you just want to know what intense emotions I'm feeling as if this is a movie playing out in front of you.

"What does it feel like to have to go through labor knowing that your baby is dead. I could never do that".

Like you get a choice? I'm not sure exactly how they thought we were going to opt out of that one. The "I could never do that" lines don't help. It's not like you get a choice in much of it at all. Its happening whether you like it or not.

"Do you think your marriage is going to survive this"
Or
"Do you think that you will get pregnant again"

I have a crystal ball and can tell you the future. If you want to know the answer to this and believe I can tell you the answer to this and all future questions, why didn't you ask me what the lottery numbers are next week?

The majority of people to contact us, strangers or not, instead word questions like this:
"How are you doing"
"I'm thinking about you"
"Do you need to talk? I'm here"
"We would love to take you out to lunch or come over to your house or talk about Ree or go to the grave with you"
"I know it's been X number of days or X number of weeks and I was just checking in because I know this day or that day or this anniversary etc. is hard for you"

"We've never met but your story really touched me"
"We've never met but my church is praying for you. Or my family. Or my coworkers. Or just me"
"We've never met but I've been through the same thing"

Voyeurs want to know what it's like. Friends, family, and people who care want to know how you are. And how they can help or that they just want you to know they haven't forgotten. Voyeurs aren't even interested in conversation.

I promise if you even have to stop and ask yourself for even a second if you fall in the Voyeur category, you don't. I'm a strong believer that people who typically act like that are so unaware of how they come across that it wouldn't even have crossed their minds if they were to read this blog post that it might apply to them. Anybody who does ask themselves this question: you should know that it doesn't apply to you. Voyeurs are not very self-aware And they don't really care if they are one in the first place

5 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are receiving messages that mean you have to make this post. I hope you both know that the majority of people reading your blog only want the best for you. I am sure I am not alone in saying that I never ever want to know what it is like to not have your child with you. With much love, take care x

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  2. I am appalled that you've had to face such intrusions in your grief, and yet not surprised, sadly. No one who asks that question has the slightest inkling what it's like to lose a child, because you wouldn't possibly 'choose' to experience that pain. I'm so sorry you have.

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  3. This makes me sad and angry. I'm so sorry you've faced that on top of everything. I certainly would not respond kindly. Big hugs hun.

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  4. I found your blog by accident, but have been so touched by your story. I don't even know what to say other than I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I know those words are insufficient, but please know that I am praying for you, your husband, and both of your daughters. I hope you find your rainbow soon.

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  5. I once read a science fiction short story about a man/creature that felt no emotions of his own, so he had to experience then through other people. He was a therapist, and as people spoke to them and he prodded them to relive all their intense emotions, and "sucked" them out of them. It was so physically draining on the victim that they eventually lost all strength and died.

    That's what those people remind me of. An emotional leech.

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Let us know how you feel! Did this help or inspire you? What is your story? We'd love to hear from anyone out there on this journey with us!