Intentions are Key, and how you shouldn't be an intrusive idiot

Man I read a really fantastic blog post tonight by Dawn Davenport who runs a website and blog  AND podcast that I regularly listen to and have for a long time, since it includes adoption and infertility issues. I used to skip all the adoption podcasts "because I didn't need to know any of that thank you very much". And now I skip all the infertility podcasts because, well frankly, I do know all of that.

Anyways her blog post recently was about the wars that seem to be waged towards choices and "right choices" towards how to make a family. Comparisons, advice and judgement all seem to abound no matter which route you choose. People who adopt domestically can't fathom why anyone would adopt internationally and vice versa. People doing donor egg IVF can't figure out why people would risk trying with their own "tired old eggs" if there are even any eggs left. Some can't even comprehend IVF at all once infertile, since adoption is "a guarantee".

And the way we all seem to come at each other really has to do with intention. Instead of asking questions to merely understand, with intentions to join and share, instead we ask our thinly veiled dissection questions meant to ascertain why someone would choose differently from what WE would choose. And we all simply make the best choice, so why would anyone else choose differently? They must be delusional. Or full of stupid hope that will only crush their dreams. Or merely uneducated about how hard "it" really is (please fill in the blank with any choice for "it" other than the route you've chosen). Or somehow we decide that they must KNOW more than we do, so we need to probe and question their method of family making, because... what if it turns out their way is better! I'd rather choose their path instead of forge my own.

What really stood out to me in her blog was the essence of time, and more importantly, how time changes the choices we make. Adoption wasn't right for me a few years ago. No way around it, I wasn't there yet, and neither was my husband. We would have been terrible adoptive parents. I'm sure people will read and say to themselves that we'd have made great parents, but no... no we wouldn't have made great adoptive parents then. We weren't ready for adoption. Our right choice then was clomid and IUI's. Our right choice in July was IVF. Our right choice now is adoption. We've chosen what was right for us at that time period, now including even having kids at all.

I'll borrow some of her quotes and link back since her words are better than what I can summarize:

Let’s face it; most of us opt for the easiest way to have kids. For some, there is no easy way, but they choose the next step that feels most comfortable. Ease and comfort are individual and may change with time. We have no control over what other’s outside of the sisterhood and brotherhood of alternative family building say, but we can control what we say. Let’s make a pact to celebrate all forms of family creation and drop the sense, at least outwardly, that one way is the best way. If we end up with the family we want, then we have won.

 So I ask next time, when you begin questioning why someone chose adoption from China over domestic adoption (Hey Aunt Anne, fellow friend Nikki and a host of other people I know), or why someone is still trying rounds of IVF instead of moving on to adoption, just ask yourself WHY you even care. Are you asking so you can just understand and help this person in the process, or are you waiting for the pause in the conversation when you can interject the anecdote you know about someone who kept trying for their 45th round of IVF and finally got pregnant, or your aunt's mother in laws' neighbor who adopted and "finally" got pregnant. Because surely, you are the first to tell them any of these anecdotes.

Just ask yourself your intentions. Why do you want to know. Are you ok with me asking what position you were in when you conceived your screaming toddler? Or if you had a natural birth, because surely you know about how the drugs affect the baby or how you should have just asked for the epidural all ready because "they don't hand out medals in the delivery room you know". Can I ask if you bottle fed or breast fed? Or if you used cloth diapers, or Pampers? Did you teach them spanish? Did you plan to send them to private school? If you aren't ok with me prying, please do not attempt to pry and be a voyeur in other's lives. The only difference in people who drive by an accident and those who get out to help are intentions. Both cars looked at the accident, but one had intentions to help, and the other merely wanted to be a judging observer. In being a voyeur they also clogged up traffic and slowed the arrival of the ambulance while the 2nd driver rendered aid to a small child and their mother.

Intentions are key. We are all just trying for a family, and it's ok if we all find a different way to get there. I don't mind you asking. If your intentions are good.

So how much did your kid cost?